Isolation

Have you ever felt like hiding, like protecting yourself from all the pain in the world because you just can't take it anymore. I feel like that on a regular basis but stress about if I did remove myself fully from society, who would look after all the people I have to look after and what would happen to them? Because of this fear, I never run away, I am stuck between mixed emotions in my head and mixed thoughts of what I should do. I can only isolate myself so much before my brain kicks in and says that I want to be around people and this constant battle of thoughts is so tiring. I figure that I can occasionally isolated myself but appear not to be by creating invisible walls where I am still functioning in society and the people which don't know what is going on can think that everything is okay and I'm 'fine and dandy' when really I'm dying inside, not wanting to socialize. And the people whoo know me understand this and adapt according to the day. Isn't that what we all do anyway, we adapt to the people and situations around. To the circumstances in which we are put and cannot change. Everyone has to adapt at some stage in their life, the only question is whether it is going to be good or bad? Will the situation be horrible and have a negative effect on us or will it be positive? The downside to this is most of the time it has a negative effect as only the lucky people get to have the circumstances change for good.

Sometimes you have to

I had forgotten how good it feels. To drag that blade across your skin. To feel the pain but then be overcome with a sense of relief, of letting it go. To see the crimson blood trickle down your skin and to know that you are still capable of feeling something. The scary part of this is the manic smile which extends across my face after opening my skin. This time was scarier as I couldnt find a blade and was freaking out, I need to cut, I needed to feel something. I have been feeling so much lately that it has just become numbness. My head has been so scattered and it is painful. Living is painful. The pretending to keep everyone else happy is draining, stealing all of my energy. Living is tiring.

Sometimes reality hurts

Somedays I wonder how long it will keep hurting for? How long until the painful memories, which flood my mind, how long until they stop effecting me? The pain is getting unbearable. The whole controlling my emotions takes too much energy that it is difficult to function. I find sleeping is the best way to escape these, even if it is only for a little while. There are times I hate sleeping. Sometimes the nightmares are scary, they are so real. I think my brain thinks it is funny to continue to torture me with constantly replaying me my childhood memories. The pain always comes back but i can never block them out. Maybe one day the pain and torture will stop, but for now I will have to struggle through. This is my reality and I have to struggle through in order to protect everyone.