People :(

I hate people they don't understand, they think their opinion is right all the time and seem to struggle to see others point of view. It is sometimes feels like I may as well not even be here. People make it clear that they prefer others compony to mine. Fuck them. Even though I say that I still struggle with the isolation. All i won't is for them to create a small area for my dog, but apparently that is too difficult. I actually love my dog and don't want to keep palming him off to others. I want him with me. Everyone is like you can send him up to your mum's. That is not the idea he is mine and i just want a small area to put him overnight where he will be contained. But no they just keep wanting me to send him somewhere else away from me. :(  

So yesterday I had work. I found out it is always the little ponies which seem to inflict the most pain. I mean it is not that far down, but it seems to hurt the most. This comes from my back which I think wants to kill me right now. As I know, and my back does to, I have things to do today and have a horse to ride. So my back is going to have to suck it up and ddeal with the pain. All in all though yesterday was good, as it was a fun friday and I got quite a lot down, horse wise. That is where my life lies so I dont mind the pain of smashing to the ground every now and then. :)

Isolation

Have you ever felt like hiding, like protecting yourself from all the pain in the world because you just can't take it anymore. I feel like that on a regular basis but stress about if I did remove myself fully from society, who would look after all the people I have to look after and what would happen to them? Because of this fear, I never run away, I am stuck between mixed emotions in my head and mixed thoughts of what I should do. I can only isolate myself so much before my brain kicks in and says that I want to be around people and this constant battle of thoughts is so tiring. I figure that I can occasionally isolated myself but appear not to be by creating invisible walls where I am still functioning in society and the people which don't know what is going on can think that everything is okay and I'm 'fine and dandy' when really I'm dying inside, not wanting to socialize. And the people whoo know me understand this and adapt according to the day. Isn't that what we all do anyway, we adapt to the people and situations around. To the circumstances in which we are put and cannot change. Everyone has to adapt at some stage in their life, the only question is whether it is going to be good or bad? Will the situation be horrible and have a negative effect on us or will it be positive? The downside to this is most of the time it has a negative effect as only the lucky people get to have the circumstances change for good.

Sometimes you have to

I had forgotten how good it feels. To drag that blade across your skin. To feel the pain but then be overcome with a sense of relief, of letting it go. To see the crimson blood trickle down your skin and to know that you are still capable of feeling something. The scary part of this is the manic smile which extends across my face after opening my skin. This time was scarier as I couldnt find a blade and was freaking out, I need to cut, I needed to feel something. I have been feeling so much lately that it has just become numbness. My head has been so scattered and it is painful. Living is painful. The pretending to keep everyone else happy is draining, stealing all of my energy. Living is tiring.

Sometimes reality hurts

Somedays I wonder how long it will keep hurting for? How long until the painful memories, which flood my mind, how long until they stop effecting me? The pain is getting unbearable. The whole controlling my emotions takes too much energy that it is difficult to function. I find sleeping is the best way to escape these, even if it is only for a little while. There are times I hate sleeping. Sometimes the nightmares are scary, they are so real. I think my brain thinks it is funny to continue to torture me with constantly replaying me my childhood memories. The pain always comes back but i can never block them out. Maybe one day the pain and torture will stop, but for now I will have to struggle through. This is my reality and I have to struggle through in order to protect everyone.